Monday, December 10, 2007

A Not-So Open Letter To A Douchebag

I usually don’t rant about my personal life on this site, but I’m in dire need of a therapeutic and cathartic release, and hence, I must write.

This past weekend in Phoenix, my rental car was broken into and a shoulder bag was stolen through the rear driver’s side window. I was out on the golf course 3-putting every hole during the theft (no joke). I have since filed a report with the Phoenix Police Department about both crimes.

Before I go any further and before you open your mouth… I know I shouldn’t have left the bag in the back seat, where it may be visible to a local ne’er-do-well, looking for his jollies in the name of Vandalism and Theft. Lesson learned. But I’m telling the story, here.

Inside the shoulder bag were the following contents:

*My girlfriend’s laptop
*An external wireless modem
*A copy of the E-Myth Revisited by Richard Berger
*A copy of Into The Wild by Jon Krakauer
*My headphones
*5 DVDs
*The keys to me & my girlfriend's apartment (proper grammar?)

I itemize these things as a reminder to myself and everyone else that ultimately, these are simply items that can be replaced. I have updated any and all passwords that have been previously used on that laptop. Even that’s tolerable.

But do you notice how ‘My Journal’ is capped and bolded. I sure hope you do because it is this single item that I miss the most, for I truly feel my soul is in the hands of some pockmarked, Crus-tachioed, pasty-faced, needle-dick of a youngling, barely out of Middle School.

Truth be told, I may never find you or know your face.

But in some cosmic universe, if it ever occurs, I will cast you to a country where they castrate people for stealing things that don’t rightfully belong to them. Someplace like Turkmenistan, Venezuela or Detroit.

Once there I will hope you try to steal something again, for the authorities will find that in your case, castration is simply the tip of the iceberg.

Your tongue will be ripped from your mouth and a continuous slurry of Prickly Pear Cactus-fed, cattle feces is pumped into your digestive tract.

And I’ll still be putting a peg under it, teeing off, and writing about it afterwards.

2 Comentários:

D Lurie said...

Brilliant! That same MOFO stole my Harley he is out there reading your journal and riding my bike....maybe he gets into an accident hurts himself badly and your journal and my bike are returned....

Ah...if only that was possible!

MonkeyPosh said...

Hi Free-

First off--I am so sorry that happened to you. I loathe liars and thiefs or is it thieves?
I thought thieves was like in a band of thieves...but thiefs was like referring to thieves in general.
The English language is so hard, I mean really--why isn't it the Kansas City Chieves? *befuddled*

Again--I am sorry about your theft.


I wish you all good things for 2008!


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