Thursday, December 25, 2008

Don’t Cancel The Gym Membership Yet!

A fitness expert from Denver has recently concluded, after an extensive study that golf IS A SPORT, due to the calories burned while swinging the club and walking the course.

I did a little more of a background check on this story, figuring it for a joke. The name Dr. Neal Wolkodoff seemed like a play on words (Walkodoff = Walk-It-Off) and the website for the Rose Center for Health & Sport Sciences seemed eerily sterile of creativity. But it looked legit enough.

I hope I’m still not being fooled. Checking…. still no sign of a hoax.

Needless to say, part of the study concluded that golfers who carried their clubs burned more calories than golfers who rode in carts.

Dr. Walk-It-Off, here’s your prize: a pack of year-old chewing gum and a Chinese yo-yo. Please tell us something we don’t know.

Not to totally disrespect Dr. Wolkodoff. He’s not trying to advertise the game of golf as high-impact exercise, nor does he say that golf, in and of itself, will keep one fit. However, for as many calories are burned during the round… the 19th hole will generously provide it back to you in the form of beer and hot dogs.

Leave the calorie burning to the gym and worry about making par at the golf course.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear President-Elect Obama:

Having voted for you in this year’s election, I wanted to wish you a hearty congratulation on your presidential victory. As a Chicago resident, I am also suffering through the beginnings of what will certainly be a snowy winter, envious of your recent round at the Olomana Golf Links on the island of Oahu. I probably should have guessed that you were a golfer, being that your formative years were spent living in Hawaii.

But I wanted to let you in on a little secret. What I am about to tell you Mr. President, is perhaps the most valuable non-classified piece of information you’ll ever receive during your administration (that goes for anything you receive from CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, FBI, et. al).

You’ll live longer and guarantee yourself 8 years in the White House if you install a GOLF SIMULATOR in the White House and NOT, I repeat, NOT a basketball court. I don't think I need to extol the virtues of the Royal and Ancient game, for much of golf's principles are analogous to our own human endeavors. Not to mention, it's a lot less physical on the body than hoops (I've heard you play some tenacious defense during pickup games, that can always come back to haunt you).

But that’s just my opinion.

I’m looking forward to the inauguration and wishing you the happiest of holidays to you and your family.


Jeffrey L. Goodman (Goods)

PS: Can a cabinet position be created for golf reservations? Or does that stuff get thrown to your under-secretary?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Fannie Mae is Messin' With Texas

The term 'oversight' is a more sugar-coated version of term 'f*** up', and you can certainly argue that the Fannie Mae office in Dallas achieved a big oversight recently. A $6000 golf outing took place for 14 Fannie execs in early November, 22 days after the Federal government took over the beleaguered mortgage institution.

"We regret that oversight, we were highly embarrassed by it, and we took immediate action to prevent a recurrence," said current Fannie Mae CEO, Herbert M. Allison Jr.

Some of the gifts in the outing 'goodie' bag:

- 24-karat solid gold Titleist Pro-V1
- bag of 100 cedar-wood golf tees
- coupon for $1000 off of golf lesson w/Hank Haney
- Chinchilla-fur hybrid head cover
- $500 in fresh, unmarked $20 bills

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Yup! The Story Is Still Daly.

The rules for spectators are specific at the Australian Open. As Willy Wonka would say, “It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal!”


You could argue that John Daly was simply being a good patron of the tournament and enforcing the rules, after smashing a spectator’s camera to bits. This is, of course, after Daly shot a 6-over 78 in the opening round.

A fan had tried to snap a photograph of Daly, who had just made an errant shot into the rough off the tee. Daly snatched the camera from golf fan Brad Clegg and proceeded to smash the device into a tree trunk claiming, “you want it back, I’ll buy you a new one.”

Clegg isn’t seeking money for the damaged camera. Moreover, the situation died down a bit.

Daly found his ball and not only had a shot to the green, but was only 20 feet from the Foster’s Lager tent.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


A recent rash of inane injuries has been occurring throughout professional sports. It’s not that weird accidents are anything new, but the connection between Plaxico Burress and his handgun, Derrick Rose and an apple and now Adam Scott and his surfboard, is all too eerie.

Just to give the scenario some perspective, here’s some other weird and wimpy sports injuries to for comparison. These injuries are stupid, but I will not cast the first stone.

For I have, like Sammy Sosa, tweaked my back while expelling a large sneeze.

Like Gus Frerotte, I have banged helmets (with a fellow teammate, instead of the wall) and ultimately concussed myself.

Like Nolan Ryan, I have been bitten by a coyote.

OK, it was the neighbor's cat when I lived in Tucson, Arizona. But that's close enough, right?

Monday, December 08, 2008

Jeev M. Singh Moves Up WGC Ladder, Man Crush Continues

Back in March, I touted a certain Indian golfer who as of right now ranks 36th on the World Golf list and is consistently raising his stock.

He has PGA Tour experience and played well at both the Masters and PGA Championship in 2008, finishing in ties for 9th and 25th respectively.

Jeev Milkha Singh has just wrapped up a nice stint on the Asian PGA Tour, which included the Order Of Merit (Money List) title, thanks in part to his victories at the Barclay’s Singapore Open and Nagashima Shigeo Invitational. However, with his victory this past weekend at the Golf Nippon Series JT Cup, Singh had a little more on his mind.

Earlier in the week, Singh’s wife, Kudrat, delivered a stillborn baby at a hospital in Japan. Saddened by the unfortunate event, Jeev M. wanted to withdraw from the tournament. Kudrat urged her husband to stay entered at the tournment and he obliged. Playing with a heavy heart, Singh fired a 4-under 66 in the final round to win the JT Cup for the second time in his career.

In 10 events, Singh has amassed over $1.4 million (USD), an Asian PGA Tour record for winnings. In Between 18 has had their eyes on Sir Jeev for a while now. The man can play. A Major championship may not be too far down the road.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Even In Oz, Daly Is The Story

After shooting a 9-under at the Australian PGA Championship today, Jarrod Lyle has every reason to think he’s the story going into Saturday. But for some odd reason (one that I admittedly contribute to myself), the story here is still John Daly.

As one of 5 Americans playing in the tournament, Daly hardly made a dent in the leaderboard. He’s tied for 96th at 4-over par and will certainly miss the cut.

However, there’s a certain romanticism to it all; one that reeks of Jack Daniels and a country ballad over speakers from ’74 Chevy on cinder blocks. For the man that who once sang “All My Exes Wear Rolex-es” is also responsible for an increase in gate receipts. I am, by all accounts, a Daly fan. But I’m not sure what I’m a fan of. I’m torn between two John Daly’s. I’m a fan of the 2-time Majors winner who at any given time can be victorious, as much as I am a fan of the flawed, self-destructive Daly.

The Majors-winning Daly makes us realize how dreams really can come true and the flawed, drunken Daly makes us realize how those dreams can fade due to addiction and self-medication.

A likeable character, perhaps. But more like a walking public-service announcement.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Golf From The Throne

You may be stretched too thin on ideas for holiday gifts. However, if you’re buying for the golfer in your life, the options are truly endless. From personalized golf balls to cute and fuzzy clubhead covers, the golf industry is never at a shortage for practical, affordable gifts.

Take for example the Potty Putter. That’s right people! You can now practice your putts while taking your morning glory in the privacy of your bathroom, right from the toilet!. Complete with custom-shaped green, putter, 2 golf balls and a little sign for the doorknob, the Potty Putter is perfect for the golfer who suffers from both constipation and bad putting.

The only drawback to this gift is that your posture may take on a whole new meaning once you actually get back out on the golf course. The last thing any golfer wants is to look like they’re crapping their pants during their address. And g-d forbid if a golfer has to take their pants down in order to putt … your partners may never play with you again.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Dimples Are For Dipsticks

Leave it to some dorks with a crapload of time on their hands to figure out how the dimples on a golf ball can be designed to, “lower the risk of a hook or a slice.”

At least that’s what Kyle Squires believes. A Professor of Mechanical Engineering at Arizona State University, Squires is part of a group studying how airflow affects a golf ball’s speed and trajectory, but they’re not using a real golf ball. Instead, a computer generates a golf ball’s surface and then simulates the movement of the ball through the air, measuring the flow across billions of points on the ball’s surface.

“What we’re looking at is an application in flow control,” Squires said. “That’s an interesting problem in airplanes, gas turbines and other things. Being able to manipulate flow in a device is a common problem, and in some of those areas, changing the pattern on the surface could be very useful.”

So perhaps technology is still not done with breaking distance barriers and manipulating an object’s path through space. But lets keep it confined to the airplanes and gas turbines of the world, Poindexter. The last thing the industry needs right now is another b.s. excuse of a marketing ploy. Our forefathers used some pretty crappy golf balls back in the day, and they still shot sub-80 rounds.

Remember, it’s not the ball that sucks.

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