Friday, February 27, 2009

Kim Jong-Il: The IB18 Interview

In a country where there is a nationally mandated ‘dress code’, radio stations receive only three (3) government-sponsored channels and public executions are held, it’s easy to see why the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK aka North Korea), gets a bad rep.

It’s not everyday that our correspondents get to travel to North Korea. Considering that the country has consistently lobbied against U.S. occupation in the Korean Peninsula, it became even more amazing when IB18 had its visa request granted by the North Korean government.
Moreover, we were allowed to interview the “Great Leader” himself, Kim Jong-Il (no relation to Anthony Kim), for we heard that he is one hell of a golfer.

Kim has claimed to have shot a 38-under par score of 34 on his home course at Pyongyang Country Club (par 72-7,700 yards), the only golf course in the DPRK.

We wanted to know more.

IB18: Good morning, Mr. Kim

KJ-Il: Excuse me, son. What was that?

IB18: Oh right. Sorry. Good morning eternal almighty leader of the DPRK, Master Kim.

KJ-Il: Much better, thank you.

IB18: Before we get to your golfing skills, tell us something about yourself. What should Americans and the rest of the free world understand about the almighty Kim?

KJ-Il: I am the most beloved figure in the history of humankind.

IB18: That’s quite a statement.

KJ-Il: It’s true, though.

IB18: Usually people reserve the term ‘beloved’ for Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King.

KJ-Il: Pussies! Every last one of them.

IB18: They’re still regarded as people who represented the greater good. And for a guy that has a penchant for the torture and starvation of his own people, how do you compare?

KJ-Il: Watch this shit.

Kim Jong-Il heads over to a window overlooking the square of the Kumsusan Memorial Palace. Outside, nearly 500,000 identically dressed North Koreans stand at attention.

KJ-Il: (to the crowd) Who’s your daddy?

Crowd: The almighty beloved great leader! Long live the leader! Long live!

KJ-Il: Damn right! Now stay there and don’t move until I tell you that it’s time to go home.

Kim Jong-Il returns to the salon where we continue our interview.

KJ-Il: (to me) Dig that, you peasant!

IB18: Hey, how can 500,000 brainwashed North Koreans be wrong?

KJ-Il: Exactly. See you’re getting it.

IB18: We hear you play a mean game of golf.

KJ-Il: I routinely average 4 aces (holes-in-one) per round.

IB18: Unbelieveable!

KJ-Il: I once made 11 holes-in-one en route to an 18-hole score of 34.

IB18: Incredible!

KJ-Il: So put that in your capitalist pipe and smoke it, Tiger Woods.

IB18: Mind you, our editors and I are still skeptical about those feats. After all, the odds against two aces in a round of golf are about 9 million to one. I'd be willing to bet...

KJ-Il: (interrupting) Gambling is illegal in North Korea.

IB18: As are cell phones, I understand.

KJ-Il: Correct.

IB18: So much for calling my bookie. Tell us more about that low score.

KJ-Il: It was a blustery, rain-soaked day at Pyongyang Country Club. A 3-club wind was blowing from the Northeast. My caddy and I were the only ones on the course at the time.

IB18: Those conditions would keep most golfers away.

KJ-Il: As well they should. No matter, though. Anyone who showed up on the course that day was imprisoned.

IB18: At least you weren’t held up by slower players.

KJ-Il: Precisely. So I ace the first two holes, a dogleg par-4 and a 550-yard par 5. I was excited to get off to a good start. But then again, it was just another day at the office.

IB18: The 18-hole lowest score record on the PGA Tour is 59 and it has happened only 3 times in history (Al Geiberger, Chip Beck & David Duval) by professionals who spend every waking moment of their lives practicing their game. It just seems unlikely that the busy leader of an industrialized country, such as yourself, has the time…

KJ-Il: (interrupts) Are you calling me a liar?

IB18: I’m just saying…

KJ-Il: You heathen! How dare you insult me! Guards! Seize him!

IB18: Oh, shit!

The author, here, sprints for the nearest exit and vacates the Palace, only to find 500,000 screaming North Koreans chasing him with Kaiser blades and pitchforks. After successfully maneuvering through the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ), avoiding every last land mine, the author safely reached South Korea and hit the nearest McDonalds.

1 Comentário:

Dee Dee said...

Nice dream!!!! Kim Jong Il must have been jealous because he's only 4'10" and you're just a tad taller.

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